Twelve months in the nick! I could hardly believe my jug handles when the beak passed sentence. It looked as if it was all he could pass, too. I have never seen a more tight-lipped, prune-featured old git. And all for having a few magic moments of hampton parking immortalised on celluloid. Talk about diabolical! I have never known such a travesty of British justice since they put me away for nicking lead â at the time I thought I was taking part in a slum clearance scheme. It is not as if I wanted to flash my nasty at the great British public either. A few innocent recreational moments with a bevy of fun-loving Cypriot ladies were not meant to be shown as family entertainment. How I came to be blamed because some berk cuts them into the final version of âRevenge of the Creature from the O.K. Corralâ is beyond me. Likewise, how I became responsible for the whole film. I thought it was a Trion Production promoted by Justin Tymeley and my brother-in-law, Sidney, but it just goes to show how wrong you can be.
âTerribly unlucky, Timmy boy,â says Sid when he comes to visit me in my cell. âI feel very guilty about this. I wanted to give you a fair crack of the whip, thatâs all.â
âSo did that old bleeder on the bench,â I yelp. âHe said he was sorry he couldnât give me the cat.â
âI know,â says Sidney, shaking his head. âThey shouldnât allow them to say things like that. Heâs past it, that bloke.â
âHeâs passed it alright. Twelve bleeding months. Do you think I should appeal?â
Sid shakes his head again. âIâve spoken to Mr. Rampersand and heâs definitely against it. He said theyâre very hot on pornography at the moment and you might get another six months.â
âGordon Bennett! Iâm innocent. How come you and Justin werenât up there with me? Thatâs what I canât understand.â
Sidney extends his arms despairingly. âLike I said, Timmo. I was just trying to put a bit of moola your way. Youâve always said to me that you never had a real stake in any of our ventures so I thought Iâd remedy that this time.â
âVery considerate, Sidney.â
âIâm glad you see it that way.â
âSo that piece of paper I signed made me responsible for all the companyâs liabilities?â
âThat kind of thing, Timmy. I donât want to confuse you with a lot of technical details at a moment like this.â
âDonât worry about that, Sidney. It will give me something to think about in the next twelve months. I suppose my responsibilities donât extend to control of the profits?â
âNo, Timmo. You see, it wouldnât be practical with you in the chokey, would it? Donât worry. Thereâs a good reason for doing things the way we are.â
âYes, Sid. I think I know what it is: sheer, naked greed. Youâve made me the fall guy so that you and Justin can grab all the loot.â
âTimmo!â If you didnât know Sidney, you would think he was really hurt. âThatâs a terrible thing to say.â
âItâs bleeding true, though. Even with my bit cut out, that film is going to make a million. The publicity has been fantastic.â
âDonât worry, Timmo. Weâll see you all right. Justin has got a lot of influence in the prison world.â
âThat doesnât surprise me.â
âNo bitterness, Timmo. Itâs unworthy of you. What I was saying is that Justin is trying to pull a few strings to make sure you get sent to a nice nick. Once theyâve made an example of you, they donât want to lay it on too thick.â
âVery kind of them.â
âPenhurst. Have you heard of it?â
âNot unless itâs in the Good Food Guide.â
âItâs a very enlightened place. You get a nice class of person there.â
âThatâs always important, isnât it? I donât want to mix with a lot of rubbish.â
Sidney shakes his head. âYouâre very difficult to help, sometimes, Timmo. Justin has gone to a lot of trouble on your behalf.â
It is at this point that I begin to see more red than if I had my mug pressed against a baboonâs bum. âJustin has gone to a lot of trouble!â I yelp. âWhat about me?! Twelve months in the chokey. Whatâs going to happen to my sex life?â
âWell, youâll have to cut down a bit.â
â âA bitâ! You must be joking.â
âI expect youâll get some remission.â
âQuite a few of them, I should reckon. I can see my wrists in plaster by the time I get out.â
âI meant that theyâll probably lop a bit off your sentence for good behaviour,â says Sid huffily. âThereâs no need to be coarse.â
âThey might as well lop a bit off my old man. Iâm never going to last for twelve months without crumpet.â
âWeâll send you food parcels.â